first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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