His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
