That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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