Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize