All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
