How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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