Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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