Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize