I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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