Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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