FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
