we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
