That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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