She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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