I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
