Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
