Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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