phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
