I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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