i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
