Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize