Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
