if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
