I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
