i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
