I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
