I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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