As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
