That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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