I think my fart just growled at me.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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