Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm gonna have a badass scar
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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