Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
