My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
