So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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