____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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