Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
