I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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