After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Dick very happy bro
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
