I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
How does one acquire holy water?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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