dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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