when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
send nudes
from the living room?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
