You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
