i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
