Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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