You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
