i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He better not be in your backpack
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
