i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
