You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
