So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
