We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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