My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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