I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you didnt know i had herpes?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
