I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
