Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
