this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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